Most people wait to January of the new year to claim their goals or embark on a fresh start. I am choosing not to. I have been feeling like my fresh start will begin in this season.
December: |dē-‘sem-bar| – n.
a month to finish off what you started and hope your wishes come true.
My “wishes” are prayers and I think that very soon, they will be answered. In fact, some have been answered prior to me writing this post. You see, I have been constantly praying for reassurance in my life. I have been praying that God would show me that I am capable, ready, and worth the investment on a new project and new environment. At first, I was not sure if I heard His answer, but as of recently, I believe God has given me my answer.
Reassurance from the Lord is a valuable prayer answered. One I think many of us take for granted.
If you remember, in October I wrote “Notes During the Mid-Day Shift: 11-4:30 pm”. It pertained to acknowledging the fact that some things are out of my control and learning to be at peace with this. Later, in November, I wrote “Life Update”. An excerpt straight from my journal explaining my chronic sad mood throughout the month and how I continued to briefly carry it into November. During this time I was lacking faith in my current circumstance and needed constant reassurance that my outcome would be okay. I was emotionally and spiritually drained, confused, impatient, and lacked confidence in myself and God.
All of this was due to post graduate life. If you do not have an exact plan after undergrad, IT IS NO JOKE. It is definitely an adjustment. Being in school from the age of 3 to 22 gave me 19 years worth of structure. Once that structure vanished and I decided to postpone furthering my education, my life seemed to become a waiting game of appropriate opportunity. Only my opportunity never seemed available or appropriate.
For the past 7 months, I felt as though I was not good enough for employers. I felt like I did not have enough experience in certain creative fields because I was not getting any call backs or email confirmations. In fact, I had gotten to the point where if I received an email, I would jump down to the second or third sentence and If I saw words such as, “unfortunately”, “at this time”, “regret”, or if there was an ongoing shpeel regarding my application, I knew the employers were not interested, and I was once again not good enough. I felt that it was my fault I did not know what I wanted to do career wise and it was my fault I was not getting recognition. Perhaps I was applying to the “wrong” places, but I did not know the “right” places, so I was still inadequately unemployed.
I have never wanted to do just any kind of work, but most of the older adults in my life always suggested I apply at hospitals, schools, or call centers. That has never been something I have wanted to do. When applying to positions like those I felt as though I was applying without intention. I felt like I was applying to these organizations and companies strictly for a job, not a leading career. I felt like I was applying to these companies for money and not with the intention of gaining experience to enhance someone or something. But when I would express these feelings and concerns to family the responses were always discouraging with well meaning intentions:
“Your first job won’t be your ideal job”
“You can’t start at the top. You have to work your way up”
“You can’t be so picky”
But why not? Yes, all these things may be true, but what is wrong with praying and dreaming to start where experience can be gained and there will be better preparation for those top positions? What is wrong with being picky where I choose to apply my time and services?
With all these thoughts and emotions running through my mind, I did not give God any of my time. I did not make any room for Him to be in control. I prayed very frequently, and I did not wholeheartedly believe this uncomfortable state would pass. I know that God will never put more on you than you can bear, but I was willingly placing a burden on myself that I tried to suppress and handle on my own, but in the end I crashed and burned. I drained myself of spiritual well-being and I needed desperate realignment. So, a couple of weeks ago, I bought a devotional (which essentially turned into a prayer journal). And very soon, the confidence I was lacking and the reassurance I needed had come back!
God needed for me to read these devotionals because each one was filled with encouraging words and scriptures: also, most devotionals begin in January and end in December. However, since I started in November, I decided to continue this devotional into 2018, but when I tell you each devotional I have read thus far was tailor made for my circumstance! It was destined!
Ecclesiastes 5:18 MSG
Take care of yourself, have a good time, and make the most of whatever job you have for as long as God gives you life.
I Peter 5:10 MSG
So keep a firm grip on the faith. This suffering won’t last forever.
Hebrews 13:6 MSG
God is there, ready to help;
I’m fearless no matter what.
Who or what can get to me?
Proverbs 19:21 MSG
We humans keep brainstorming options and plans, but God’s purpose prevails.
Each one was telling me day after day to be aware of God’s hidden mercies, to enjoy where He has placed me, and to be reassured that He will establish me. In essence, God was telling me to chill because my time is coming, and I feel it! Something in my spirit is telling me that my time of waiting is coming to an end. However, these past 7 months have been a blessing in disguise.
Nothing God does goes without purpose. Before I enter into a new environment or take on a new task or responsibility, I need to make sure I am doing the best I can and being the best I can be in my current space before I expect God to advance me to something new. I need to continuously be fixated on God’s promise and be willing to wait on those promises. When I am impatient with God, why would He be patient with me?
When your spirituality is drained and unaligned, you will feel the uncomfortableness. It sits heavy on your spirit and in your life. Do not ignore those feelings. Fix and address them immediately! God knows when He is distant from His children and sometimes, He makes us uncomfortable to draw us closer to Him. It is needed to put us back on a spiritual track and to practice putting all of our trust and faith in Him. So when God speaks, listen. His voice is undeniable.
I hope my testimony has helped someone ease the rockiness of their own walk with God, and before you go, I want you to remember three key points my pastor told me:
- God is mighty and merciful, not managable
- Never take your faith and knowledge for granted; let it grow
- Don’t forget to remember, God will never give up on you