Life Update

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Straight from my journal: Thursday, November 2nd, 2017 7:14 p.m.

October was rough.

I cried a lot. I’m currently still crying. I have learned new things about myself that I am not proud of. Thinking about them make me want to cry even more, but the tears will not seem to form. *Breathe in, breathe out”.

November is rough and it is only the 2nd. I have grasped a new understanding of myself. Some of which I cannot handle, others I have beat myself up about, and I have wanted to cry even more. I have wanted to be the cause and blame for all the turmoils, disappointments and hurt that I have faced from October to now. I have wanted to wallow in my pity party and remain in my pile of vulnerability alone because from October until now I have learned that I am:

  • Very¬†emotional
  • Insecure
  • Okay with being #2

I would have never deemed myself insecure (because for me, insecure = low self-esteem, which I don’t have). But, I am afraid to express and voice my true feelings because I am afraid to lose certain loved ones. I am afraid of not being able to decipher good judgement and will instead be the reason for hurt and pain, so I try to hide the truth even from myself.

I am afraid of speaking my mind because maybe I will not be heard, or maybe I will be heard, but I will not be able to handle the response: the truth. Have you ever heard such an oxymoron? A critic who cannot take criticism? Well that is me.

When I learn better ways to cope with my feelings, I will share, but for now, this is for me. And it is all I can offer myself: honesty.

Fast forward to today, November 7th, 2017, I am doing better. Those ill feelings I had felt through October were painful, but they were learning experiences. Learning about yourself is a valuable tool. When you understand yourself, you can better understand others. You are more willing to understand others. And so, during the rest of 2017, I am learning to hold myself a little tighter. Learning to speak a little louder. Learning what it means to practice compassion. Learning what it means to be sympathetic. Learning to listen to others. Learning to give as much love to others as I require.

What are you learning about yourself? How are you taking what you have learned and applying it to others? Feel free to share.

xoxo

Ambria

 

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